A Cookbook For Models: 5 “Recipes” Guaranteed To Get You Fit And Thin In No Time


Being skinny isn’t for the faint of heart. Step one is getting out of bed and ignoring the spins since your blood sugar is low from not eating (which can be a real bitch if you’re not ready for them), but at least steps two through five are easier: go into your kitchen, open your pantry, see you don’t have any food and continue to starve. Spend the rest of your day drinking water and staring enviously at pictures of people eating food on Google images.

My wet dreams involve potato chips, not sex.

Er, that’s what being skinny USED to mean. After health and fitness guru Emily Skye took to her Instagram to show what models and skinny folk look like when they’re not posing for the camera, we now know that having a little bit of  fat on you is acceptable AS LONG AS you write some giant sappy paragraph about how you’re not “perfect” to go along with it.

But you know what IS perfect? These 5 recipes we’ve collected from famous models across the globe, guaranteed to turn your muffin top into a crop top…but be warned: we’re not responsible for how sexy you may or may not become after eating these meals.

5. Air frais served with a side of L’eau pètillante tient la glace

Directions:

Proceed to your nearest clean, organic non GMO gluten free public park and take a deep breath. From the bag you packed earlier that we neglected to mention because these directions are only a few sentences long and GOD FORBID you read ahead, pull out the finest sparkling soda water money can buy and take a sip. SIP, do NOT gulp. Let simmer for eight hours until it is time for bed and no more eating can take place during the day.

 

4. Apio cubierto con lágrimas de la grassa

Directions:

Go to the store and buy celery, because there is no way you already have it at your house as celery is the most pointless and tasteless vegetable ever created. Take your celery to the nearest McDonald’s and wait until someone orders a salad. Watch said person eat said salad until they begin to weep at the realization that they paid five fucking dollars for a fucking fast food salad, then gingerly dip your celery into their tears and eat. Repeat until you are either out of celery or you get thrown out of “restaurant.”

 

3. A triple-stacked Baconator with extra cheese, a large fry and frosty

Directions:

Buy food from Wendy’s. Insert food into mouth, chew, then spit into nearest trash can. If no trash can is available spit onto ground or in the faces of all the poor and starving people in Africa. If not located in Africa, any homeless person(s) will suffice. Repeat until food is gone and stomach remains empty.

 

2. Liposuzione on a bed of fresh distilled foto modifica

Directions:

Be rich. Eat whatever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want. Drop stacks on plastic surgery and professional photo editors to make it look like you’re a 10/10 with a life worth living instead of a 0/10 without a life. Repeat until someone takes a candid picture of you in public and posts it online for all to see, ruining the public image you’ve cultivated and sending you into a spiraling depression that prevents you from eating and causes you to lose 100+ pounds. Repeat until you disappear into thin air.

 

1. Essen Sie das verdammte Buch schon

Directions:

Print out this cookbook on 8.5″ x 11″ printer paper. Once paper has cooled, crumple into ball approximately three inches in diameter and place into mouth. Chew. Swallow. Repeat until the fiber from the paper gives you the runs and you’re forced to expel 2-5 pounds of excess waste from your system. Continue to ingest on a twice-weekly basis until you’re offered a modeling contract and can fit into size 00 jeans (from the kid’s section, mind you.)

 



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