Hey, Monster Energy drinkers, are you looking for something KRAZY to do while your friend records it holding his phone vertically like a goddamn moron (that description refers to both of you)? Have you considered pogo-sticking back and forth over a freeway median at rush hour? How about putting on a homemade version of the Deadmau5 helmet and hopping over the barrier at an indoor shooting range to run from one side to the other without stopping? Maybe you could stand on the tracks of a roller coaster and jump into an empty seat when it approaches? These are all great ideas!
Just don’t try jumping into the indoor tank at Bass Pro; they’re finally starting to arrest people who do that.
If you’re unfamiliar with Bass Pro, it’s a chain of megacenters across the country boasting everything today’s outdoorsman could ever hope to find under one roof, and that includes a massive, well-stocked aquarium just begging to be jumped into by anyone desperate for internet infamy, resulting in the inevitable YouTube trend:
Well, as you may imagine, the Bass Pro employees who have to mop up the fishwater streaked across the store in the wake of a jumper’s hasty exit aren’t on board with this trend, which is why the last kid to try this at a Stapleton, Denver location got arrested…AFTER cracking his skull on the rocks.
Security nabbed him on his way out of the tank and handed him off to local law enforcement. Sorry, Breakers, video of the incident appears to be unavailable, likely because it’s being held as evidence. Just our luck, the one time these videos actually turned out entertaining!
Visiting the Bass Pro website got me thinking. Here’s the first thing that pops up:
You can probably see where I’m going with this.
Okay, look, I’m not saying they should just use one of the many (many) AR-15s and laser-sighted handguns they sell to kill the tank-jumpers…I’m saying couldn’t these skilled marksmen maybe make a sport out of discouraging tank-leaps with well-placed warning shots? Like maybe over the shoulder so it hits a rock behind their head? Or a series of shots that send up dust all around their feet? Or maybe in the calf with a .22? Full metal jacket, so it passes right through? I’m not advocating for a .45 hollow point to the chest—don’t be ridiculous. But how on Earth does a for-profit armory have a problem with trespassers? Isn’t preventing this kind of nonsense precisely why the NRA exists? Wouldn’t the resulting publicity make Bass Pro shops ten times more popular? You think the people that shop here have a problem with frontier justice?
Please, folks. Let’s just be reasonable.