Everything You Need To Know About Kim Jong-nam's Assassination


Political assassination? Body snatching? A prank show? It’s been ten very interesting days since Kim Jong-nam’s death was first reported on the morning of February 14th.

It’s hard to keep up with the daily developments. That’s why we put together this handy guide for you. Don’t worry, we have A LOT of time on our hands.

(Disclaimer: We may have missed some details, but we tried to cite original stories whenever possible. We work for Break; we’re not super sleuths.)

Very brief background: Kim Jong-nam is the older half-brother of North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un has proven himself very willing to kill off those he deems threats: he ordered the death of his uncle and second in command a few years ago.

This article gives some of the backstory of North Korea’s succession history.

Tuesday, February 14th
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DEAD

The story broke that Kim Jong-nam was at the Kuala Lampur airport Monday morning, February 13th, about to board a flight back to Macau, China, where he lived in exile.

According to The Star, a Malaysian newspaper, “He told the receptionist at the departure hall that someone had grabbed him from behind and splashed a liquid on his face.” Other reports said he was injected with poisoned needles.

He was then taken to the airport clinic, where he had a seizure. He died on the way to a hospital. He was 45 years old.

The Malaysian government was searching for two women who were believed to be involved in the assassination.

Almost every report focused on North Korea and Kim Jong-un as the responsible party.

Wednesday, February 15th
AN ARREST IS MADE LOL

It is reported that “an unnamed Japanese government official as saying that the two suspected assailants may already be dead, but offered no further details.”

Later in the day, Malaysian authorities arrested one of the women who was caught on airport surveillance footage allegedly poisoning Kim Jong-nam. She had a Vietnamese passport and wore a long-sleeved white shirt with “LOL” emblazoned on the front.

Chinese retailers quickly tried to capitalize on her viral fame.

Strangely, she was arrested when she returned to the same terminal in which the assassination occurred two days prior.

Meanwhile, an unofficial representative of North Korea denied it was even Kim Jong-nam: “That is not him and it is not a relative of Kim Jong-un,” he said. “If you listen to his accent, it is clearly South Korean and this is all a red herring.”

Kim Myong-chol claims that an imposter has been playing the part of Kim Jong-nam for several years at the behest of South Korea.

Thursday, February 16th
SECOND SUSPECT ARRESTED

A second suspect was arrested in connection with the assassination. She had an Indonesian passport. According to the report, “Police are looking for four men who were in the company of the two women at the airport when Jong-nam was killed.”

Friday, February 17th
BOOYA YOU’RE PRANKSASSINATED!

The second suspect allegedly thought she was participating in some kind of comedic prank show. She claimed she was paid small amounts of money to spray men in the face with water leading up to the attack on Kim Jong-nam.

Monday, February 20th
PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN

Surveillance footage is released showing the attack on Kim Jong-nam. The video features a woman in casual garb approaching Kim Jong-nam from behind and grabbing him in a quick embrace as another female accomplice sprays a deadly substance in his face.

Wednesday, February 22nd
INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS

Reports surfaced that suspected North Korean spies attempted to break into the morgue and steal Kim Jong-un’s body. Armed guards were subsequently dispatched to guard the building.

Thursday, February 23rd
UNDERCOVER BABE

Stories broke that the “LOL Assassin” Doan Thi Huong was a legit babe who appeared on Vietnam Idol and was an aspiring pop star.

Friday, February 24th
YOU’VE GOT SOME NERVE!

Malaysian police reveal Kim Jong-nam died from a high-powered chemical weapon, a VX nerve agent.

According to The New York Times, “The VX molecule interferes with the way glands and muscles function by blocking an enzyme that allows them to relax. That causes muscles to clench uncontrollably and, eventually, prevents a victim from being able to breathe.”

And that’s all we know. Until tomorrow, when we’ll find out aliens were also involved or some other crazy shit.



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