Wisdom teeth videos are the new Harlem Shake, except instead of being clever and having ingenuity all you need is an oral surgeon and a bunch of pain meds.
When I got my wisdom teeth pulled two years ago they gave me the weakest Vicodin on the market. It blew. There I was, ready to pop a bunch of pills and act a fool in the hopes of growing a giant YouTube following, only to find out that I may as well have been popping gummy bears for all the pain relief those pills gave me. The most entertaining thing I did while recovering was drip a single line of drool all the way down the side of our couch, and that wasn’t even intentional.
19-year-old Abby Jo Hamele, however, has found success where I’ve failed. After having her wisdom teeth pulled last week, Abby got so #LIT off of her pain medication that she became convinced that her pug, Daisy, was her old dog, Sammy, who passed away a long time ago:
Sucks to suck Abby Jo, but your dog is DEAD. Sammy is NEVER coming back and YOUR ENTIRE LIFE IS A POINTLESS LIE; We only live so that we can eventually be repurposed as plant fertilizer.
It is good that Abby Jo learns this lesson at an early age, because when people figure this out in their later years we get cases like Corey Feldman and Charlie Sheen, who’ve just thrown fuck-all to the wind and do whatever they want since nothing matters anyway.
Abby’s confusion didn’t stop there, as her medication had her so loopy that she decided now would be as good a time as any to email her teaching assistant, Kevin, and ask for an extension on a paper. If Abby’s email is any reflection on what her actual writing skills are, I think she could have a solid post-graduate career here at Break.com: where speling, syntax, and, conventional, grammar, are only “suggestions?’
The email reads:
I believe that i relmebmer you said we, as us students, would be able to send you our papers for classss for you to look at over before we turn them in to cColin if we got them to you by the 22nd of Novermber.
I unfortmately got my wisdom teeth sliced outr and have not not been reacting very well to the surgeryy nor the medicatioon i were given/ so I do not thimk that I will be able to habe my paper finisherd by Tuesday at all.
Is tehere any way I would be able to send you my paper at any later date??? I wnt to do very good on this paper you know becayse i like to do well in my classes.
please sir I workled very hard and thouught that I would be abel to finish it on timme but my doctor said I will most likelly not be normal again until at least Thanksginvg turkey. If you say no then that is okay but i would be sad and i would reallyyyy lik e it if you said yes. Thank you Kevin, my dude.
Abby Jo Hamele (pronounced hah-mil-lee) (if you were wondering)
P.S. I will answer youpr questions in class forever so theere are not any more awkard silence. and i will buy you expo markers that work (even thougjh our tuition should pay for markers that work)
love you bye
Luckily for Abby, her philosophy TA apparently has a sense of humor:
So not only did Abby not have a paper due, but she also managed to go viral and pop a bunch of pain medication without having to attend class.
Seems like a solid week to me.