Hi, Breakers. It’s going to be hard for me to type this one, since my hands are slipping all over my tear-soaked keyboard. You see, I just watched the Kendall Jenner Pepsi ad.
It is the most beautiful, important, sincere and tasteful intersection between art and commerce I’ve ever seen. I am woke.
Let me walk you through this two-minute-and-thirty-nine second festival of progress.
We begin with a cellist straight cellin’, first on a roof—
—then, suddenly, through the magic of cello, indoors somewhere.
But a storm’s a-bewing. A protest is marching down the street, though it’s not entirely accurate to call it a protest, since they’re not actually protesting anything. “Join the conversation,” one sign implores, one which would likely begin with asking “So are you guys like mad about something or happy about everything or what?”
Cut to the living embodiment of wokeness, tolerance, equality, and peace: a hijab-clab Muslim woman. She pores over photographs. Is she a photojournalist for Al-Jazeera or the Huffington Post? Perhaps she’s putting together a pamphlet for the Council of American-Islamic Relations on how terrorism has no religion?
Enter Kendall Jenner, model, mid-photo shoot. She’s done up to the nines, werking that camera, ensconced in her life of white privilege, blissfully unaware that anything bad has ever happened.
Not so the marchers. Well, maybe nothing bad has ever happened to them either, since they’re all hoisting peace signs and smiling.
Our cellist takes a break from practicing his scales. These marchers, these signs…what is he doing cooped up alone, when he could be out there, participating in history? Get out there, dude, the world needs an Asian Bob Dylan! Put your cello in your cello case and walk around out there with your cello!
Meanwhile, our hijab-clad photographer is getting more and more frustrated with her work, and goddamn it is terrifying.
She grabs her camera and heads out to join the march, snapping future Pulitzers left and right.
Meanwhile, our Asian Bob Dylan comes across the perfect opportunity for an electric guitar-cello jam sesh!
And you KNOW the breakers and b-boys can’t resist getting down to the steady beat of two string instruments!
So now, uh, I guess he put his cello back in his cello case after the jam sesh, because he’s once again marching in the streets, right past where Kendall Jenner is werking it. Kendall! Snap out of your coddled complacency and come make the world a better place for people inviting other people to join the conversation!
Can anything bring her around?!
OH HELL YES SHE MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HANDSOME ASIAN BOB DYLAN!
And with that Kendall rips off her wig, wipes off her inch-thick lipstick onto the back of her hand and marches into the street. Immediately, things get better.
Transgenders and POCs and trans POCs are finally happy and stop complaining.
Pepsi is now free, it seems.
You know, cops, those government-sanctioned killing machines that go around murdering young black men FOR NO REASON AT ALL. Can we ever bridge the divide between police officers and the citizenry they’re paid to shoot down in cold blood for fun?
If anyone can, Kendall can, so she approaches the on-duty police officer to offer him a can of soda. The on-duty police officer accepts an unsolicited beverage from a civilian, downs a few nutritious gulps of Pepsi…
…AND THE CROWD GOES WILD.
Seriously, it’s a damn audio orgasm as the marchers cheer, knowing that the divide between the ruthlessly murderous cops and the innocent, entirely law-abiding citizens they use for target practice is now healed. Honestly, I thought that sip of Pepsi was gonna have that cop throwing his badge on the ground like at the end of Point Break.
CUE TWIST ENDING!!!