The Happiest Countries In The World, Ranked (Spoiler Alert: We Didn't Win)


The 2017 World Happiness Report is out. We didn’t even make the top ten. 

Norway won, with all of Scandinavia ranking quite high. The bottom ten won’t be too happy to read about their ranking, but if it’s any consolation, their abysmal literacy rates means they probably won’t anyway.

Here’s the top ten, bottom ten, and us, along with a quote from a citizen of each.

1. NORWAY

“This is awesome! It’s free ice cream day AGAIN and later I’ll be skiing home to my blonde supermodel wife after my high-paying day job of taste-testing caviar! Wooo hooo!”

2. DENMARK

“Hey, it’s no Norway, but this is still pretty cool! There’s a free concert by the Raveonettes every day at lunch and we drive backwards on the freeway! There’s porn on TV!”

3. ICELAND

“I think we’d be #1 on the ranking but too many people were going snowmobiling with Björk to even answer the survey! Plus we executed all our corrupt bankers in 2008 via public stoning! Aww man, you shoulda been there!”

4. SWITZERLAND

“It’s hard to stay ‘neutral’ because every day here is THE BEST! We all speak perfect German and French and English but we pretend we can’t understand spoken language if tourists visit because we don’t want anyone else moving here!”

5. FINLAND

“Hey, do you want some free MDMA pills? We get a bottle full sent by the government every month and I have way too many extra.”

6. NETHERLANDS

“This is pretty fun. We’ve had legal weed for years. And even if you go to jail for selling heroin it’s still basically a two-star hotel.”

7. CANADA

“Yeah, this is pretty fun. Our universal healthcare is legendary. If you think getting a free blood test is fun, this place is easily tied with Norway.”

8. NEW ZEALAND

“What makes this place so fun is that they left all the Hobbits here to breed so we have something to hunt. There goes one now!”

9. SWEDEN

“This is a mistake, right? We’re supposed to be up there with Norway and Denmark. We’re basically the same damn country.”

10. AUSTRALIA

“If we were never eaten by crocodiles we’d be Top 5, easy.”

14. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

“This is okay I guess. I have a job. No one is trying to kill me. Diversity is our strength.”

146. YEMEN

“Remember that episode of Friends when Chandler said he was going to move here? Well, he didn’t. That’s when our problems began.”

147. SOUTH SUDAN

“If only I lived in North Sudan. Just kidding, I don’t know if North Sudan exists. We have bad schools here.”

148. LIBERIA

“We’re only one letter off from a place I would much, much rather live: Siberia.”

149. GUINEA

“Wait, what are we called? Isn’t that racist? I mean, not against blacks, but still?”

150. TOGO

“I know. I’ve never heard of us either.”

151. RWANDA

“Hooooo boy. Google it.”

152. SYRIA

“It sucks here and I’m being completely syriaous. At least we still know how to laugh.”

153. TANZANIA

“We don’t even have that cool devil you’re thinking about. Just warlords.”

154. BURUNDI

“We’re like one of those places that seems fun if it’s animated in a Disney movie. I can assure you, life here is no animated Disney movie.”

155. CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC

“Imagine if every single one of your neighbors sucked a lot but you sucked the most. Welcome to the Central African Republic.” 

 



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