Most of humanity has a pair of funbags, whether by genetics or the inability to lay off carbs, beer and more beer. For the fraction of the population whose only access to boobs is via peepholes, hookups or online porn, a Russian site named TittyGram, has become all the rage. Now you can pay an astronomical fee to have a woman with insanely large cans write a note to your Instagram followers, on breasts you will never ever touch.
I have so many unanswered questions:
Who are these busty, Russian women? Natural or fake? And perhaps my biggest question of all… do they use sharpie or washable markers?!
I may never know the answers to these questions, but I have scoured the net for picture evidence of these chesty messages, and leave them for your viewing pleasure, along with 10 fun, not-so-little, “tit-bits” of information about boobies.
1. Some women can achieve orgasm from nipple stimulation alone!
You read that right. Funbags are not just for grabbing on to while riding into the sunset, use them wisely and you will be rewarded.
2. Annie Hawkins aka Norma Stintz (right,) owns the World Record for the Largest Natural Breasts.
Yes, they are natural and unnatural all at the same time, comin’ in hot at a bra size of 48 V, which is not manufactured anywhere in the world.
3. One melon is usually more sensitive than the other.
Go figure! As if women and their anatomy weren’t complicated enough, now you get to play roulette as far as which you pay more attention to, hoping to get the best end result.
4. Women have BLTs
Edible in a different way, 65% of women usually have one boob that’s bigger than the other.. get it? BLT (Big Left Tit.)
5. The world’s largest pair of enhanced Cans are a 38KKK.
Owned by Sheyla Hershey (right,) who could up and float away at any moment, Airbags of this proportion leave me wondering why they were not more tactful with the final sizing chosen. I guess tacky is as tacky does.
6. In Japan, people either tattoo or use makeup to make their nipples appear pink.
Which makes me wonder what color they were to begin with…
7. Squeezing a Dairy Pillow can help prevent cancer.
Thanks to the folks over at UC Berkley, studies have shown that a light squeeze here and there is actually pretty helpful. So go out there, do your part, and save a life or two!
8. Hungrier guys like bigger Sweater Puppies.
Primal in the most bizarre way, just check yourself the next time you find yourself literally drooling over some oversized Jugs.
9. There is a U.S organization called GoTopless.org that fights for women’s rights to be topless.
I too think women have just as much right as men to walk around shirtless and fully endorse this cause.
10. 6% of people have a nubbin (extra nipple!)
And finally, let’s take you back to #1.. because if you find the Yeti of nipple owners, don’t freak out! Rejoice in having one more location to show off some mad skills, and leave your partner sleepy and satisfied.
And just because a crazy, yet beautifully breasted woman is a terrible thing to waste, here are some BONUS images to help you live longer. (Because fact or not, looking at Love Pillows, will extend your lifespan… or at least make you die happier.)
You can find Martini Beerman on twitter @martinibeerman