Which Drugs Send The Most People To The ER?


The annual Global Drug Survey just released its 2017 edition. Over 150,000 people from 50 countries were polled, and it’s estimated that nearly 50% replied to each question with “You’re not a cop, right? You have to tell me if you are” before finally answering.

Among the info including was a ranking of drugs by frequency of emergeny room trips they’re responsible for. Here they are, from most to least:

METH

Yeah, no shit meth is bad for you. So is fried bacon and ice cream. The more pleasurable something is, the worse it is for you. Having said that, it should be noted that meth can send you to the emergency room for many reasons beyond a heart attack, including insane been-awake-for-four-days paranoia that convinces you that the only place where the undercover cops living in every trash can can’t get to you is inside the operating room. Operating rooms are sterile! The dirty pigs wouldn’t be allowed into there aaarhghgghghahgh

SYNTHETIC CANNABIS

AKA spice or K2 or bath salts, these drugs are known for sending people into zombie-like incommunicative trances, which is nothing like cannabis, unless you get SUPER paranoid, and even then you’re still not very likely to go outside and start stumbling down the street—outside is where all the people who hate you are! They should just be honest and change the name of this stuff from “synthetic cannabis” to “synthetic PCP” but the problem is that’s already what PCP is.

ALCOHOL

This would be number one if you could also include all the people alcohol sent to the emergency room who weren’t even consuming it at the time but car crashes and domestic violence obviously weren’t factored into its third place ranking.

MDMA

I bet a lot of the emergency room arrivals from MDMA are suicide attempts after doing molly every weekend for five years and so completely depleting the serotonin in your brain that the joy you once got from simple things like petting dogs and compliments is gone forever and the joy you used to get from MDMA is also gone because you need serotonin for that.

AMPHETAMINE

You’re probably thinking, wait, I thought this was #1 already? Methamphetamine and amphetamine are different. Amphetamine has a variety of medical purposes, is available in several prescription forms, and as you could probably gather from its lower position on this list, is weaker than meth. That’s why they give Adderall prescriptions to fidgety adults but jail sentences to meth cooks. It also leads to porn binges, so I’m assuming a lot of the ER visits here are for emergency skin grafts.

COCAINE

AKA the most overrated drug known to man, and also one that’s never been portrayed accurately in media. If that episode of Girls where Hannah did coke were true to life, she’d have spent the entire night attempting (and failing) to get prevent a worsening, steady comedown and eventually crawling into bed wishing she could fall asleep. The most intense feeling you will ever get from cocaine is simply wanting more cocaine. If it sends people to the emergency room, it’s probably because they were caught trying to steal someone’s wallet.

LSD

I promise you the reason LSD sends so few people to the emergency room is because it’s so hard to buy LSD in the first place. It can only reliably be found in a few places and I refuse to go to a jam band concert under any circumstances.

CANNABIS

Routinely described as the safest psychoactive substance known to man, the only real reason anyone has ever needed to head to the emergency room while high was to use the vending machine.

MAGIC MUSHROOMS

There’s no way this would be in last place if you counted all the people who thought they were picking magic mushrooms but ended up eating the kind with kill-you poison, not trip-out poison. RIP, guy who lived down the hall from me at Oregon State. This article is dedicated to you.

Heroin oddly didn’t make the list. I guess it’s safe.



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